As I entered the Taman, in front of me was a 9 foot tall Ganesha wooden statue. To the left was a 5’8 photograph, simply framed of Ratu Bagus in the Vatican in Rome. In the background are other visitors to the Vatican. Next to him is a ghost like figure, clearly outlined and visible on film. It appears as a ghost, those who know him understand it’s his soul captured on film.
To the right of the Ganesha is another framed photograph. Ratu Bagus is performing a fire ceremony. The fire is burning bright and rising up in front of him. Take a closer look and you’ll notice the flames make a dragon shape. Above Ratus’ human figure is another figure hovering above the scene that is clearly Ratu. Captured again on film is Ratu Bagus on the astral plane as well as on the physical plane. To the right of both aspects of Ratu are long flashes of lightening. It looks as if a lightning storm is happening right behind him. Countless people who have trained with Ratu over many years and healed themselves of what were considered incurable diseases describe connecting with Ratus’ energy as being burned from the inside until all the poison’s inside them was cleaned out.
I walked over to a corner in the front of the room and to find a picture of Ratu I connected with and just stood in place and started shaking. I had no idea what I was doing. House music was blasting from the sound system, then some salsa. I kept standing in place shaking to salsa and saying the mantra, ‘Om Swastyastu-Ratu Bagus”.
Suddenly Ratu walked up to me and greeted me.
“Hello – what’s your name? Where are you from?” He gave me a little hug. Motioned for me to stand with my feet further apart and put his hand near the middle of my back.
“You are electric, You are electric,” He kept repeating to me with a warm smile.
I felt an intense surge of heat rush into my face and my shaking began to flow more gently and softly instead of jerking around trying to dance to the music. I spontaneously raised my arms and my hands moved and vibrated as I lifted them up and down. My left ankle hurt and my neck was stiff.
“Good, good, very good,” he said encouragingly and gave me the thumbs up signal before he walked away to help someone else. After he left the heat was not nearly as intense. But he left me with a feeling of gentleness warmth and softness.
My intention was to empty my thoughts, clear the chatter. Thinking about Becky, wondering about Michael, my mind drifted to all the articles I wanted to write.
For five days I shook off my preconceived ideas of who I am and why I came; to feel with my body rather than understand with my mind. It was a tall order for someone who thought they were there to write an article about the shaking practice and bio energy meditation. I recognized we all have the power within us to heal our bodies naturally, whether we understand it or not.
Ratu Bagus teaches his students that he is not god, god is inside us, he’s there to help and advise, while providing encouragement and laughter, so we can experience it for ourselves.
From the moment I entered the Taman it was clear I had to leave my rational, spiritually inclined, analytical mind behind. Loud music boomed during the shaking sessions with Beatles, Elvis, Annie Lenox and traditional chanting . A painting of the movie poster from “Happy Feet” had Ratu Bagus’ head superimposed on the one of the penguins as it sat on an easel in front of the alter. All tools that got me to leave behind my ideas of what traditional healing or spirituality are about.
During each shake, I heard hysterical laughter, screaming, twisting and people rolling on the floor people around me. I felt comfortable with other people’s deep releases having already experienced people’s Kundalini awakening. What caught me off guard was the deep emotional and physical process’ that came up for me in such a short amount of time.
What I felt and experienced those first few days was clearing my head of all the chatter and then really feeling my soul speak about needing to clear energetically around a Kunalini-Tantra teacher I had been training with. Something that wasn’t even on my mind when I arrived at the Ashram. It was however, lodged inside me and I had been struggling with it for months, going around in circles.
By about day two, I saw myself in meditation pose, cross leg, sitting there above Ratu’s picture. On the ground my hands were in the air, I was shaking, getting hot and I kept seeing myself above his picture.
When I had thoughts of my brother, thoughts of my mother, I focused on the mantra. Then I had a thought about Lisa, someone close to this Kundalini-Tantra teacher. I was shaking, sweating, raising my hands in the air and I could feel Ratu telling me I’m connecting, he didn’t say a word out loud, I could just feel it.
He came and put his hand on my back again, slightly higher than the day before and repeated, “You are electric, You are electric.” and walked away. There was no great surge of heat like before, I just continued to shake. He stood next to me for awhile, we made eye contact and smiled, he walked to other parts of the room and then came and put his hand near my back again, and reminded me, “You are electric, You are electric.”
I began to shake vigorously as thoughts and memories of practicing with Nina surfaced in the most powerful way. I felt as if Ratu stood next to me and said, “She took people into Balinese Cremation grounds and they weren’t ready?” (something that happened that frightened me)
He didn’t say this out loud, and he couldn’t have known this. But I heard it, in my head and suddenly the anger and disgust for her surfaced and all I wanted to do was shake it out. I was so fucking angry I just wanted to shake it out as hard as I could. The conversation in my head went something like, “ You fucking bitch, you fucking witch, you took people to cremation grounds before they were ready. You said they followed you but you letthem follow you. You fucking bitch.” And that’s how my clearing started…
I was shaking my arms, shaking it all off me, the memory of it, the energy I was holding onto around it, around her. They way she tried to pick me apart in front of everyone one day when I expressed feelings of being scared. She tried to poke holes in everything I said.
As I shook I was so disgusted with her. Then I felt Ratu next to me, physically, standing on my foot, actually holding my back not saying anything as I started making noise. Breathing and remembering Nina pointing out how confused I was to everyone and the flaws in my thinking. I shook with so much anger and rage as Ratu stood on my foot.
It felt as if Ratu was holding up a mirror to my soul so I could see that I understood the dangers of what this woman was playing at, even if I didn’t believe it. As if deep inside I haven’t yet been able to find the words but I understood the game she was playing.
The lesson was profound. I was so angry with her for taking people into energetic practices when they weren’t ready. When they didn’t understand key elements of what she was doing and where she was going with all of it. I started to recognize that these energetic practices were outside of my intellectual ability to understand, I had to just feel them.
A few instances came to me so powerfully that I recognized I didn’t have words to describe them. It wasn’t an intellectual doubt that I could express, it was much deeper inside. Like an internal navigation system deterring me away from her and how she was teaching. Not exactly what she was teaching but how she was doing it. I could see myself above Ratu’s picture as I stood in front of it shaking and sweating and my soul was going into the whole story, the whole narrative about those moments that I knew inside when circumstances were taking a turn I didn’t want to go along with.
I felt like I was stuck and in the shaking I started to get unstuck. This process became more real once I was home from the Ashram. Waking up the first morning in bed, feeling the effects of a cough coming on, I felt free of my questions about Nina. The chapter was closed and I felt lighter and at peace with myself. I could feel that part of my life was behind me and something new was emerging.